


Silence

by Isabear



Series: Summer Pornathon 2014 [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Elyan (Merlin), Coming Out, Cunnilingus, F/M, Implied/Referenced Biphobia, POV Character of Color, POV Elyan (Merlin), Summer Pornathon 2014, Supportive Freya (Merlin), Team Gluttony, past canonical character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:08:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabear/pseuds/Isabear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes years for Elyan to finish telling the whole truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence

+

"Why didn't you come home for the funeral?"

Gwen doesn't look accusing, just sad. The house is half-empty and hollowed out around her, boxes stacked in corners, packing material in neat piles beside them.

Elyan isn't sure what he should say. What comes out of his mouth is, "I didn't know if he'd have wanted me there."

 _Now_ Gwen looks upset. They both know that isn't true.

-

The truth is, when Elyan came out, he'd expected a bigger reaction. Which was why he didn't come out all the way, not really.

"Welcome to the club, mate!" Gwaine flung his arm around the back of Elyan's neck and pulled him into a friendly headlock. It was the kind of rough-housing he'd learned from Arthur. Elyan tolerated the indignity for about three seconds before jabbing him in the ribs.

"Oi!" But Gwaine laughed and let go.

Leon was holding out his hand for Elyan to shake, like saying "I'm gay" was some sort of thing to be congratulated on. Maybe it was, for some people.

Elyan shook Leon's hand, and smiled, and let Percy pound him on the back, and didn't speak, and didn't speak, and didn't speak.

+

He could have told Gwaine; he sees that now.

Gwaine is the only guy in their group who proudly declares himself bi, and no one gives him any grief for it.

-Except that's a lie. People in their broad circle give him constant grief. They make jokes about how many people he's slept with, how easy he is. They make jokes right in front of Gwaine, forcing him to laugh with them or make things uncomfortable. Gwaine might not hesitate to fight other people's battles for them, but he's terrible at tackling his own.

Elyan curses himself for a coward. He could have stood up for Gwaine for years. He could have been honest with his friends.

He told his father instead.

-

Da had been confused. Not hostile, not angry, not asking Elyan to change. He just didn't know what Elyan meant, or what he wanted.

"So you like women?" Da set down his fork and gave Elyan his full attention. "You still want to marry a woman, but you want to date men too?" Deep grooves wrinkled his forehead as he tried to understand.

Elyan sighed. "No, Da, I don't know who I want to marry, or if I want to get married at all. I just like both men and women." He pushed his plate away, not really hungry anymore. Behind him, Gwen bustled in the kitchen, pretending not to listen.

"Oh," Da said, his forehead smoothing out. Then he got up from the table and came around to give Elyan a one-armed hug.

Hugs were always Da's way of dealing with anything that upset his children, especially when he couldn't do anything about it.

Gwen made them skip to dessert.

-

Fear made him lose time, lose people.

"Merlin wants to know who my boyfriend is," Freya said quietly. "I told him it's none of his business."

Elyan buried his head the fall of her hair over her shoulder. She'd lie for him, he knew. He'd never brought her home to meet his Dad, never told their friends. He didn't want to hear, "You're cured now, eh mate?" He didn't want to be cut out of the community, Gwaine's headlocks and Percy's backslaps and Leon's handshakes. He didn't want to be "Oh, so you're not gay anymore?"

It wasn't fair to Freya, what fear made him ask of her.

He went down on her that night for what seemed like forever, lips and tongue moving over her sensitive, swollen flesh in a silent apology. _I'm sorry_ he said with a flick of his tongue across her clit. _I'll try to be braver,_ he promised with a graze of teeth. He got his face and her thighs drenched and just kept going, ignoring how she dripped on the sheets, pushing his tongue as far as he could inside her.

She came apart above him, shaking and silent as always, and when he looked up, she was staring down at him with so much love and sadness that he felt like he could finally cry.

Her arms tugged him up, and she held on so tight he thought it might be okay to break.

+

"We're dating," he tells the room, tucking an arm around Freya's waist. "Eight months now."

Merlin blinks, then slowly smiles. Arthur opens his mouth, but Gwaine leans over to casually slap a hand over it.

"Congratulations, mate," Gwaine says sincerely.

Elyan breathes out for what felt like the first time in years.

**Author's Note:**

> You'd think there'd be at least one line in Sarah McLaughlin's "Silence" that could stand as a title and not sound "My Immortal"-esque. Just one, you know?
> 
> This was Year 6, Week 2, Entry #41.
> 
> Update: growlery remixed this story, and it's awesome! I consider their version totally canon for this story in every way. Highly recommended!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Silence (the Thought I'd Never Say remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2469572) by [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery)




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